Lesson #4

It's time for another lesson about your Mom!  I know you're excited.  And get this - this is a lesson that I really hope IS genetic.  Lesson #4:  your mom is a super Crafty McCrafterpants!!!

I love to make things.  Anything, really, but currently, especially things for you.  Here's some of the stuff I've made for you so far. 

this is part of your bedding - a quilt I've been working on since a few months before I even knew about you!

a taggie blanket / lovey I made for you

a little button art framed above your dresser (which will be painted white in a few weeks!)

some of your "burpies"

my favorite thing so far - a bunting/banner for your room...  those crocheted flowers are ones Gigi made for you!

some of your headbands

bibs for when you're a little bigger!

And... because you can now KIND of tell that I'm pregnant, here's what I look like at 18 weeks & 1 day with you...

22 More Weeks To Go!

18 Weeks

Last post, you learned that I am not normal.  This post, I'll teach you lesson #2:  Your mom likely has adult ADD.  I get too sidetracked to remember to actually do things.  Let's hope it's not genetic.

Anyway, I tell you this because I really had planned to write before now.  But, life happened.  It has a funny way of doing that.

Remember I was telling you how antsy & excited I was to find out your gender?  We had the most amazing experience with our in-home ultrasound.  It was incredible to just be here at our house, laying on the sofa watching you do all your little tricks.  You're already very skilled at sucking your thumb.  And swallowing.  Which is insane to watch... I keep watching the DVD they gave us, which is also one of the coolest things to have.  I'll show you someday. 

Oh!  I almost forgot to tell you:  You're a girl!  I know this because I asked the sonographer to show me your parts about 4 times.  At every possible angle.  Your Dad knew you would be a girl.  I, on the other hand, had absolutely no idea.  There's a huge part of me that's still kind of worried we may go to our next ultrasound & the radiologist may say otherwise (see: lesson #3).  I keep reviewing those parts of the DVD just to make SURE we didn't miss a little boy part somewhere.  So far, nothing has revealed itself.  I guess by the time you're able to read this, it really won't matter. 

these are your little bits at almost 17 weeks...

It didn't take them long to see that you were a girl, either!  I was super worried that you weren't going to show us the goodies, but you totally did.  Within just a minute or two of the ultrasound, the lady said "so, anyone want to take a guess... are you ready to find out?" and immediately your Dad yelled "yep, that's a girl!" and she said he was right!  He claims he saw it on the monitor they set up for Dad, Chris & Gigi to view.  That's something I forgot to tell you - Gigi was here and learned you were a girl at the same time we did.  And your big brother... who is super excited that you are a girl.  Which is interesting because as long as I have known him (which is nearly 8 years, in case you were curious), he has always asked me only for a baby brother.  Never a sister.   He wouldn't hear of a sister!  And as soon as he learned I was pregnant, he immediately told me that he hoped you were a girl.   I have a feeling you're going to be very spoiled... and even though you're a girl, I'm pretty sure I am still going to be outnumbered here.  I'm ok with it.

Regardless, it was so special to me to have them here to find out what you are going to be!   This was the little "announcement" we shared with our friends on Facebook...

Yep, we're naming you Sawyer.  You're going to hear a lot of people say that Sawyer is a "boy's name".  That's because it is.  Well, it was - until we made it completely awesome and turned it into your name and now it's also a girl's name.  Which makes you more amazing than anyone else named Sawyer.  You're also more amazing than other people because you're getting two middle names (unless Mom changes her mind about that again).  See?  You're already fancy.

Yesterday marked 18 weeks.  If someone had told me 18 weeks ago that right now I would be expecting you... I would have probably punched them.  Because 18 weeks ago was Christmas.  And Christmas morning, I woke up to a different sort of gift (one that Santa didn't bring) and to be really honest with you, it bummed me out pretty bad.  I was sure hoping that would have been the month that we first learned about you, but it wasn't in the cards.  Yet, 4 short weeks later, I was beyond shocked when I saw (for the first time ever) those little lines appear on the first (and second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth) pregnancy test.  To be really honest, I took more pregnancy tests in the first month than any one human really should have.

In my defense, that's because we honestly thought we were going to lose you just three short days after we learned about you.  It happens to a lot of moms, unfortunately.  I suppose now's as good a time as any for you to learn lesson #3:  your Mom is a raging hypochondriac with a touch of paranoia.

I'm "that girl".  You know, the one who automatically assumes if something bad/unexpected is going to happen, then it's probably going to happen to ME.  Yep.  That's me.  Needless to say, when things got a little scary at the very beginning of my pregnancy, I was very worried that it didn't mean good things for us.  Luckily, I was able to stay calm (you have no idea yet just how amazing this accomplishment was for me) and after a couple of weeks, things seemed to have leveled out.  Now, here we are nearly 3 months later and all is (so far) going great. 

You haven't given me even one episode of morning sickness.  No major pains or problems.  Nothing really to even complain about yet.   I wonder if I was this easy on your Gigi when she was pregnant with me?  I'm betting not.  :)

I've already been sewing & crafting like a tornado in your nursery.  Let's hope they don't change your gender on us now!  I can't wait for that next ultrasound, it's so fun to watch you move around in there and just do your thing.  Like last time how you were just sitting Indian-style (or "criss-cross applesauce", whatever you want to call it).  You'd cross your ankles every now & then, too.  Such a lady.  Let's stay a lady, ok?  Because Mom really, really, really loves the color scheme in your nursery.  And I've already made you about 50 headbands.  They would look really silly on a little boy, I think. 

I'll write more soon... probably not as soon as I originally plan to, but I pinky swear it'll get done.  On Mommy time.  :)

Until Tomorrow

A little over 34 hours.   Probably doesn't seem like an eternity to anyone but me, but to me?  It's forever.  I have no idea how to make these hours pass without obsessing over seeing your tiny little arms & legs, your head, your belly, your gender.  After tomorrow, you'll be a "he" or a "she".  You'll have a name, a real one.  I am very much looking forward to not having to refer to you as "it" or "the baby" because that just sort of drives me insane, to be honest.

You'll have a name.  Dad and I have already picked them out - though if you're a girl, we're going to have some work to do because apparently half of the U.S. population isn't well-versed in phonics and likes to mispronounce your name.  It kind of bugs me, I'll be honest.  But I'll teach you how to set them straight.  Don't worry.

I sometimes have to do a triple take about this entire situation.  Just a year ago, your dad and I made the decision to begin actively trying again for you.  We had done that many times before, but it never really worked out for us.  We hadn't given up on you, we were just tired, you know?  When you're trying to get pregnant, everyone has an opinion on what you're doing wrong - on why you're not pregnant.  My favorite sage advice is when people would say, "stop trying".   Hmm.  Ok, stop trying.  Makes sense, I suppose, to some people that if you stop trying so hard and just let nature take it's course, things will work out.  Except when they don't work out because something is preventing nature from taking it's course - you know, those pesky little details.  Regardless, we were able to find a new doctor and she somehow knew exactly what we needed.  It's pretty amazing, really, that here we are a short year later and already almost halfway through a pregnancy.

I still can't believe you're real.

I've hesitated for so long to write to you. Mostly because you gave us a really big scare in the beginning and I wasn't sure if putting words together would maybe somehow jinx us.  I know that sounds silly to normal people but I suppose now is as good a time as any for you to learn that your mom is the furthest thing from normal.  It's true.  You probably already know that, though.  (it doesn't take long to pick up on)

Someday soon, I promise I will sit down and write to you the story - from start to finish.  So that when you're my age and have babies of your own, you can read it and you'll always know where you started.  I would love if your Gigi would do that for me, too.

For now, you'll still be "the baby". I'll sit very, very still after lunch today & patiently wait to feel you wiggle around.  I'll stare at your room - a completely blank canvas - dreaming of how in just two short days I will be able to start transforming it into a space for you.

I still have no clue how I'm going to spend today - other than cleaning the house.  I want you to spend today growing!  Grow big and fast (well, you know, as big and fast as you can grow in less than 2 days)... I just want to be SURE that when we see you, we know which name to pick for you.  

Until tomorrow...

{hiding}

 A good portion of my day is spent frantically trying to figure out how I'm going to answer any one of the following questions:

• Where are you?
• Why haven't you texted/called/emailed me?
• Did you get my email?
• Just checking on my __(insert item ordered)__, do you know when I'll receive it?
• Can you call me?

To most people, this is a regular work day.  To me, this is a complication in the waking hours that are already more anxiety-filled than I have ever wanted to admit to anyone. 

Rarely does anyone ask me:  Are you ok?

Understandable.  Most people who contact me are clients, customers, or perfect strangers.  I don't expect them to be concerned with my well-being.  Nor do I want them to have a reason to question my sanity.

A lot of days, I feel like I am hiding.  Exhausted from constantly having to explain my whereabouts or what I'm working on or doing.  I feel like I always owe someone something.  The truth of the matter is, I am hiding, just not in the way people assume.

Sometimes, you don't know what other people are dealing with.  You don't ask.  You don't even necessarily notice that they are behaving differently.  Likely, you don't even really care because it's not your place or responsibility to know what everyone else's problems are. 

I'm guilty of all of these things.  But what I do know and care about is that sometimes, it's not about you.  Sometimes, people who may otherwise seem ok really aren't.  Everyone has their own demons and sometimes, if you think they're ignoring you?  They are.  And they're also ignoring themselves.

Wowza.

Last post, you got a glimpse of what I've spent the past 6+ weeks doing.  Completely sucked into the Casey Anthony trial.  And today is the day after the verdict that will most likely never be forgotten and will surely be discussed for years to come...  think OJ Simpson, only worse.

I say worse for several reasons.  I am in no way diminishing the lives lost in the murders committed in the OJ Simpson case, but with THIS case...  a 2.5 year old child was killed.  Her life cut short for no logical reason.  Everyone has their own theories about what might have happened or what should have happened.  I know I certainly have my own theory.  The saddest part is that no one will ever know what happened to that child.  No one will ever be held criminally responsible for what happened to her, despite the fact that several crimes were proven to be committed.  A jury of 12 people made their decision & that is done.  Nothing left to do about it.

Casey Anthony is a liar.  Her parents are liars.  Her brother is a liar.  They're all liars.  Would Caylee Anthony have grown up to be just like them?  Likely.  Some say she's better off where she is.  I can't say I either agree or disagree with that because I happen to know first hand that sometimes people grow to be BETTER in spite of their parents or circumstances.

At the end of the day, the thing that disgusts me is that this woman intentionally allowed her child's body to decompose & be desecrated outdoors, in Florida heat.  She knew all along where her body was (and admitted as much through her defense team during trial) and did absolutely nothing to recover it.  The fact that this jury didn't at the VERY LEAST determine that she was guilty of the lesser charge of child abuse is mind-boggling to me.  I will never understand that decision... but as I said yesterday on a Facebook post, only one good thing can come of any of this:

Because of the events of the Casey Anthony trial, millions of people world-wide are now staring straight into the face of an American judicial system that repeatedly fails our most defenseless victims.  Children every single day are unjustified in America and this is a prime example of how & why. 

Our system is flawed.  I am not an attorney and to be really honest, I have actually personally benefited from the judicial system... that doesn't mean I believe it is perfect.  The most disturbing piece is that there is a difference between "truth" and "legal truth".  Truth is truth, regardless of whether it's in a court of law or not.  It's all one & the same and it's so sad that our legal system sees this differently.

I just hope the other Casey's of the world don't see this as a method for a get-out-of-jail-free card because I fully believe this woman got LUCKY in jury selection.  Don't believe me?   Poll any 12 Americans who have followed this trial & I guarantee that you will see a different result from what these jurors gave.

I'm sucked in.

I know. I'm supposed to use these first few sentences to explain why I haven't blogged in months.  Life, work, laziness, whatever you want the excuse to be - just pretend I made one and fogive me for it, mkay?  Great.  Now that we got that out of the way, here's something else you can hate me for...

About 3 weeks ago, I made the mistake of turning on TruTV to tune into part of the intial testimony in the Casey Anthony murder trial.  I know.  I should have NEVER done that because after that day, my life has been consumed by seeing how many things I can accomplish while still toting around the laptop tuned into the live feed on the interwebz.  I can't stop.  I can't get enough of it.  It's sick.

Except it's not sick.  Because for me, at the start of all this, I knew very little about this family in Florida.  The extent of my knowledge was that little Caylee went 'missing', her mother lied to authorities, her parents were crazycakes, and her brother was creepy.  That's all I knew.  And I gotta say, I'd kind of like to go back to just knowing that much.  Because back then, I knew so little that I actually could have been a juror on this trial.  It's true!  I totally could have been...

If you haven't been following the ins & outs of this tragic real-life event, do yourself a favor & stop reading here.  Go google kittens or cupcakes or some feel-good thing that puts a smile on your face and be glad that you're able to remain ignorant about this topic.

If, on the other hand, you HAVE been keeping up with the trial & the disgusting details, then you have a choice.  Like a choose your own adventure novel...  pick one, k?

A) Keep reading.
B) Go google kittens or cupcakes.

If you chose option A, then what I have for you is this. My take on how I feel about what's happening in the courtroom currently.  Not a chance that I'm going to give you the background (hence the reason I told you to go google cupcakes if you didn't know the details), there's more than enough info out there if you want to do the research & suck up all your free time (tip: use your iPhone for reading while doing necessary tasks like using the bathroom, like I do... don't judge me).

My take.  Casey Anthony (KC) is guilty of first degree murder.  Plain & simple.  Her family is dysfunctional, yes.  Isn't yours?  Her emotional behavior is out of this world... and if you've ever had the misfortune of knowing someone who behaves like KC, then you're already aware that people like her exist.  It's sad, but true. 

And right now, I'm saddened by all the people out there who want to believe that there's something bigger to this story than the fact that a young, unstable 22 year old girl made the choice to take the life of a child.  You'll note that I did not say "her daughter" and that's because it's my opinion that KC was not Caylee's mother.  Yes, she gave birth to her... but she did not mother her.  Someone else did that.  KC went through the motions and mimiced behaviors that she thought were appropriate... but she was not a mother, regardless of what anyone tries to say.  My opinion, obviously, but that's the beauty of this being MY blog.  :)

Everyone wants to be right in their opinion about all of this - microanalyzing every single member of her family.  And I admit, I've done that a time or two myself, but I've tried REALLY hard to step back and look at the facts for what they are.  And they're sick, sick, sick. 

Sigh.  I want this all to end soon because I can't look away. 

***

I promise I'll be back soon with craftiness for you all.  'Til then, expect more of this because it's where my head is at currently.  :)

OOOOOH, CHILD, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!

But I am SO glad you did.

A few weeks ago, I contacted Amy from A Case of The Yellows to see if she made business card holders (I don't do well with making small things, they make me nervous and I want to punch something... it's not fun).  I told her I wanted one that was pretty, but not pink, and would you believe she SURPRISED me with this little beauty that came in the mail today?  

That stinker!  This could be like a game of tag...  I'm it!

What really got me all crazy excited was that a) I was NOT expecting something to come in the mail today (except the standard things that go straight into the recycle bin) and, b) I was definitely not expecting a package this CUTE to come in the mail.   I seriously got all giddy just walking in from the mail box and I couldn't rip into the package because it was SO cute that I had to photograph it first...  LOOK...

Can you even believe this?   She sewed the package...  it's like music to my ears when someone else sews paper together.  Like angels singing.

Anywho - Amy is officially declared as my BFF for the rest of today so if you're reading this, you MUST go visit her Etsy shop, FancyFunkyFresh.  Right now.  Go.  And you, too, can get all excited when you get one of these precious packages in your mailbox.  Then, you won't have to be jealous of me.  :)